The truth always hurts.....
 
One year, I decided to buy mymother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

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I asked Jan, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
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Jan and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
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I tried to talk Jan into buying a case of Miller Light for £14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
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I took Jan to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first..
'I'll have the sirloin steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
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Jan sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

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Jan was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some scales.
And then the fight started...

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Jan and I were sitting at a table at her school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken  man swigging his  drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old  boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I ran into the back of a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

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THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, Jan
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the motorhome, the car, fishing '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why 

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

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